1) when people say that something or someone “takes the cake,” what flavor is the cake?
if the phrase was “takes a cake,” I wouldn’t give this a second thought. but, no, the phrase is “takes the cake,” which I take to mean that the originator(s) of this idiom had a particular cake in mind. personally, I think that it had to be a cake that the he/she/they knew would have universal appeal, leading me to believe that this cake that is proverbially taken was a funfetti cake.
2) why does facebook tell you that you are online now when you’re logged in?
this is the retarded, useless, unjustified cousin of the “you are here” dots on mall maps. at least the mall dots tell you where you are rather than simply stating the fact that you are existent in the physical world. and really, I don’t think there is any good explanation for this other than the possibility (and a very good one, at that) that there are some incredibly dense, base people logged onto facebook. of course, were it not for this little reminder, they wouldn’t know it.
3) why do stripes have a slimming effect on everyone but me?
seriously, I see someone wearing pinstriped pants and their thighs look a little less thigh-y. I like pinstriped pants on myself – my magnificent rear (magnificent in mass, not in stature, character, or chiseled-ness) (heh, mass = m+ass) doesn’t look all that bad in them.
as for shirts, they just don’t work for me. I see someone wearing a vertically-striped shirt and they look like they’ve been practicing The Secret (read: complete horsepucky) and thinking of nothing but -8 pounds. I see myself in a vertically-striped shirt and I look like a jet stream diagram. the lines of the shirt just help people visualize the outline of my figure easier, which seriously diminishes the number of women who are inclined to mentally undress me.
oh well, if that’s the price I have to pay for taking the funfetti cake, so be it.
if you have answers to any of these questions, leave a comment. these are the questions that matter.