upon second listen: “Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin’)”

I, for one, have never been offered to be bought a drink, no less a “drank.” Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, maybe it’s because I’m not what the industry calls “camera friendly,” or maybe it’s because no woman has ever thought to herself “now this is a guy I want to inebriate and take advantage of… in that way” upon first eye contact. (Let’s be real, though – many women have thought that. They’ve just all been too shy. Shy or nonexistent). On the other hand, I’ve never offered to buy a drink for a woman I’m not acquainted with, either. But I have offered to buy them a drank.

Anyway, perhaps my general unfamiliarity with this whole “Can I buy you a drink?” social script piqued my interest in the song “Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin’)” by T-Pain, featuring Yung Joc. I understood the gist of the song during my first listen, but was curious as to exactly what T-Pain was singing and Yung Joc was rapping. While Yung Joc’s verse of rap was surprisingly straight-forward and relatively airtight, T-Pain’s words left me with more questions than answers..

1. Ay Ay / She snappin / Ah she snappin / Shawty snappin’ / Snap ya fingers / Do the step / You can do it all by yourself

• Maybe I missed the memo, but when did snapping become acceptable – commendable even – in the club scene?

I can’t be the only one who associates snapping almost exclusively with the Sharks and the Jets. I’m not implying that snapping isn’t cool; after all, nearly every activity that can distinguish the cans from the can’ts is cool to some extent. But seriously, can anyone pinpoint the date, or week, or month, or even the fiscal quarter during which snapping became okay in a nightclub setting?

2. Baby girl / What’s your name? / Let me talk to you / Let me buy you a drink

• Is it that difficult to wait for a response?

Bro, I think the majority of people would agree with me that it’s standard social protocol to wait for an answer when you ask a question, especially one as foundational to a conversation as “What’s your name?” Perchance it’s just me who likes to know the name of the person I’m talking to.

On top of that, you ask to interact with her – the her who I guess you refer to as As-Yet-to-be-Identified Shawty – in two ways (talk with + buy drink for) in rapid fire mode. Give her some time to process, please! If you continue executing your conversational skills in this manner, you’re no different than that single, middle-aged, frazzly-haired woman who inevitably picks your line at the grocery store and machineguns her way through a one-way conversation with you while you’re dying to pay for your sorbet and get the hell out of there. No. Different. And last I heard, people like that aren’t too successful at picking up shawties in clubs.

3. I’m T-Pain / You know me / Konvict music / Nappy boy / ooh wee

• Is the“I’m Keith Hernandez” route the wisest way to go?

Imagine the embarassment if, despite the name and two-part self-description, the aforementioned AYTBI Shawty did not recognize T-Pain (though admittedly I find it incredibly difficult to believe that there’s anyone out there who wouldn’t be able to recognize the young man who sang the American classic, “I’m N Luv (Wit A Stripper)”). I have my reservations about seduction rhetoric based on the presumption of one’s own reputation, but I guess when you’re T-Pain (or Keith Hernandez, for that matter), you can do what you want, say what you want, and seduce the way you want simply because you’re your reputation incarnate.

4. I know the club close at 3 / What’s the chances of you rollin’ wit’ me / Back to the crib

• How does T-Pain wish to be given the odds?

a) a ratio (“3 to 1 says I will”)
b) a percentage (“75 percent, baby”)
c) qualitative description (“sky high, boo, sky high”)
d) filter questions (“What zip code do you live in? Do you have your own place? What are you expecting to accomplish if I do, in fact, roll with you back to your crib? How soon will you forget my name?”)
e) a pie chart

5. Show you how I live / Let’s get drunk and forget what we did

• Why bother showing the shawty how you live if you plan to forget everything?

Really, why bother. I anticipate that once you arrive at your place, you’d be pretty eager, if not downright anxious, to proceed with the assumed activities. Would showing the shawty your fine china and alphabetically-organized DVD rack really be the best use of your time? Didn’t think so. Oh, and you want to be forgettable? That’s a new one.

6. Im’a buy you a drank / ooh ooh / Im’a take ya home with me

• How does a “drank” differ from a “drink?”
• Is it prudent to assume that buying a drank will automatically allow you to take someone home?

I’m willing to concede that “drank” might just be a regional variation of “drink.” But then again, I can just as logically assume that it’s not a regional variation as so much it is slang for something else like “roofy-laced drink.” Also, establishing what seems to be a causal relationship between buying a drink for a shawty and taking her home lends a bit more weight to my second suggestion as to what “drank” means. I’m just sayin’.

7. I got money in the bank / Shawty, what you think ’bout that?

• What does she think about that?

Money. In the bank. What else is stored at the bank? I guess one could count safety deposit boxes with passports, social security cards, wills, and whatnot, but I don’t think that’s what T-Pain was referring to. Per T-Pain’s pretty straightforward observation, I don’t believe Shawty thinks all too much of it. Quantifying the amount of money (“lots,” “940 thousand, 300 dollars,” or “more than you can imagine”) may help to impress her.

8. Find me in the grey Cadillac

• Which grey Cadillac?

Have you ever been to a club with any less than four Cadillacs (I assume Escalades) in the parking lot? Exactly. Also, describing your sweet status-symbol SUV as plain “grey” probably won’t win you any marketing awards, or the attention of the shawty, for that matter. Cadillac’s two closest colors to “grey” are Gold Mist and Quicksilver. While referring to your car as “the Quicksilver one” may be equally lame, you can just as well describe it as “silver.” Also, telling her what model of Cadillac you’re in could help her locate you a bit faster.

9. We in the bed like / Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh / We in the bed like / Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh

• What was that you’re in the bed like again?

Yeah, “ooh ooh ooh” can represent carnal pleasure, but can’t it also reflect other bedroom activities? Activities like Jenga perhaps. There’s no doubt this game produces a lot of “OH!”s (right around the 15 second mark).

10. Talk to me / I talk back

• Should I be surprised?

Again, T-Pain graces us with blatant reminders of his normality. He possesses knowledge of when the club close[s], he uses the bank to store his money, and now: the man will talk to you if you talk to him. I’m unsure of the efficacy of this particular personal selling point.

11. Let’s talk money / I talk that

• Isn’t there a better topic of initial conversation than money?

Sure, we’re not to talk about religion or politics at the dinner table. And last I heard, there’s no widespread saying outlining the parameters for acceptable and tasteful club talk. But deliberately directing a conversation toward a certain topic because you can “talk that” seems a bit passive-dominant.

Even if we were to look past that, the versatility of money as a conversation topic seems iffy at best. Beyond boasting or lamenting about the amount of it you have, where it’s located (see point #7), and its smell, talking about money can get either incredibly boring or entirely too serious. A less-skilled conversationalist may panic after burning through the aforementioned topics and resort to asking about favorite anti-forgery measures, conspiracy theories behind the art of bill-folding, and feelings toward the government’s efforts to encourage the use of new dollar coins. An overly-skilled conversationalist may become trapped into thinking that sophistication means interest, deciding to fill silences with the up-to-the-minute currency exchange rates, the history of the dollar, and the pros and cons of the free market economy.

Either way, there are endless topics okay for the club scene – money doesn’t seem to be one of them (unless you’re giving it out; then we can reconsider).

12. Crunk juice bombs / Oakley shades / Shawty got class / Oh behave

• Is it just me, or have the standards of “class” depreciated like crazy since the last time I checked (about three months ago)?
• Who is being told to behave?

If all a shawty needs to have to be considered classy is crunk juice (I’m assuming this is the cocktail made of Hennessy and Red Bull rather than the trademarked energy drink from none other than Lil Jon) and Oakley sunglasses, my, has our idea of classiness changed. What’s a woman (or anyone, for that matter) wearing sunglasses in a club? It’s already pretty dark in there. And if flashing lights are bothersome, maybe a club isn’t the most ideal place to be.

Also, who’s the one being told to behave? Is it the shawty? If it were the shawty, this wouldn’t make much sense since classy woman rarely, if ever, need to be told to behave. Also, as the singer’s plans for the near future (see points #4, 5, 6, and 9) indicate, requesting that the shawty “behave” seems kinda counterintuitive. Maybe it’s the singer’s own carnal, lustful thoughts that are being told to behave. But come on, who are we kidding – I don’t think he’s trying to repress them. I guess this ambiguity is the ultimate beauty of lyric and melody.

13. Let’s get gone / Walk it out (now walk it out) / Just like that / That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout

• Walk it out?

Apparently, this is walking it out. And apparently, this is too.

14. We gon’ have fun / You gon’ see / On that patron / You should get like me

• Is he getting frustrated?

T-Pain seems to be getting a little defensive, if not indignant, about what I think have been his rejected proposals to buy a drink for a particular shawty. They’ll have fun, he says. She’ll see, he says. Did anyone ever tell him explicitly that he’s incapable of providing said fun? Didn’t think so, so what’s the deal with the preemptive “You’ll see!” sentiment?

Yes, you may have spent two verses and a chorus trying to convince a shawty to accept a drink from you, but that doesn’t mean she won’t. Chill out, T-Pain, maybe shawty’s just playing it cool. Or maybe she’s into chicks, in which case you’ve wasted a lot of time. But seriously, maybe she’s just trying not to look desperate. Maybe a fresh voice can convince her. Ah, and conveniently enough, Yung Joc steps in on your behalf. It’s good to have friends, isn’t it?

Though I’m left with all of these questions, maybe T-Pain is a lot more cunning than he seems. I’m left with a lot of open questions and I really do want to know the answers to them. Maybe he can give them to me, you know, over a drank.