As far as I can remember, I’ve never cared much for Pennsylvania, be it in a positive or negative way. It’s the home of some snakebitten sports teams, provided the backdrop for most of the Rocky series, and birthed the cheese steak; beyond that, Pennsylvania seemed to be a middle-of-the-pack, don’t-rock-the-boat state – basically the self-content straight-B student of the Union.
But within the past few months, I’ve learned many less-than-flattering facts about the Keystone State. The sheer number of stupid, sad things about this particular state is almost shocking. Appalling. Divinely uninspired even.
REASONS WHY PENNSYLVANIA SUCKS (part 1):
1. County Names
A) Washington County, Wyoming County, Delaware County, Indiana County, and [New] York County (circled in RED)
Don’t believe me? Check out the map.
Seriously, Pennsylvania? 4 1/2 of your counties share their name with other states? LAME. Everyone knows that states take precedence over counties when names overlap. Municipalities know this. Townships and boroughs know this. Even my immigrant parents know this.
B) Lycoming County (circled in BLACK)
Just because you replace the “W” in “Wyoming” with “Lyc” doesn’t mean that no one is going to notice your complete lack of creativity. And it’s only two counties over! If you’re going to pull a shenanigan like this, at least make sure there are at least four states separating Wyoming from Lycoming. That’s right – at least four.
C) Carbon County (circled in MAGENTA)
Yeah, I get it. Lots of coal. Carbon County. It makes sense, but in a way, it makes too much sense. As inane a name as it is, I’ll consider this a light infraction because three other states have a Carbon County (granted the other three states are Utah, Wyoming, and Montana).
D) Centre County (circled in BLUE)
Really thinking outside the box here, Pennsylvania. So this is where Penn St. is located. Can’t you commission its students to find one person interesting enough to name the county after? I’d fully support JoePa County.
Also, what was the rationale for not taking the name of Middle County? Too sexy?
E) Lebanon County (circled in GREEN)
From a strictly geographic standpoint, this would make Lancaster County Israel. Lancaster County was the site of the Christiana Incident of 1851, an attempt of a slaveowner to re-enslave four slaves who had escaped. Obviously Lebanon County took their name in order to indirectly correlate Lancaster County and its slavery-driven fiasco to the Israeli conflict.
Sounds pretty anti-zionist to me. Not cool, Pennsylvania. (okay, this was silly, but this entry isn’t tagged as “haphazard logic” for nothing).
2. The Amish
The Number One reason the United States of America is losing Operation Iraqi Freedom? You got it – the Amish. Had the Amish pulled their weight in war efforts, we’d have been out of the Middle East in March of ’06.
3. Florence Foster Jenkins
Consider her the William Hung of the first half of the 20th century. Born in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, her infamy has had a puzzling resiliency that’s spurred three plays about the tragecomedy that was her professional career. Warning: the following clip is NSFL(ife). But check it out anyway – this reason alone might be sufficient to prove the suckfest that is Pennsylvania.
4. Hershey’s / Hershey, Pennsylvania
For all the talk and concern about the obesity epidemic, both the town and company of Hershey seem to be making a pretty penny off the cocoa-based killer. Sure, Big Tobacco gets a bad rap for causing the deaths of millions of smokers, but why does Big Chocolate get off so easy?
[Edit: So it looks as if Hershey's isn't doing too hot.]
5. Chase Deer, Hit Deer, Kill Deer, Eat Deer
LANCASTER, Pa. – A deer led police on a chase in Lancaster this morning. Police said an injured deer showed up at Shaub’s Shoe Store on the first block of North Queen Street around 6 a.m. Several cars had already hit the deer, so officers shot it. But it got up and ran to the King Street Parking Garage where it proceeded to run up to the third story.
Once there, the deer jumped from the third level and landed in the Lancaster Convention Center site, narrowly missing a construction worker. The deer died on impact.
A construction worker and foreman told News 8 that some of the workers took the deer and put in in a cooler. The workers said they plan to eat it.
Police said it’s the second incident involving a deer in the last week. On Thursday at noon, a deer ran into a cruiser at King and Prince streets. It dented the car in several places. That deer was also hit by cars and the officer had to shoot it.
Only in Pennsylvania.
And so there they are, the first five reasons why Pennsylvania sucks. There are, of course, a lot of reasons that support the sentiment that Pennsylvania indeed does not suck (read: Boyz II Men and the hilarity that is Billy King), which I’m okay with; I’m just not focusing on them.